The mother that we all have inside has no name, no age, and no religion. Being a mother is a state of consciousness, of surrender, an intuitive state that moves us from the guts. Means also to learn to leave behind who you were, saying goodbye to your previous life, entering a transformation process from a couple to be parents.
A mother is born and suddenly found with a baby in her arms and a sea of doubts, fears, insecurities, etc. A blank canvas and the blockage of not knowing where to start the painting.
An unconscious inner search begins, who am I now? It is devastating the void produced by not recognizing yourself.
The confinement situation, disconnected from the external world, is not a chosen state. I did not imagine that «disappearing from the world» was real. But this retreat is necessary to experience an openness of spirit… in intimacy, in communion with our baby.
Our society is in a hurry to get us back to normal. Mothers have to go back to work, (even if it means giving up breastfeeding), to regain all her capacities, etc… Instead, babies and mothers need to continue being immersed in their world, taking care of themselves, getting to know each other, demanding silence.
For every mother, motherhood is unique. Everything is fine if it is done from honesty, humility and love. Breeding is a very broad concept with numerous options. We do not know the difficulties that family is going through. So if I have learned anything during the time we were in the hospital, it is not to judge any choice or anyone.
Being a Mother is the deepest and most intense “journey” that we will ever face. It is a search and a spiritual encounter with oneself. A constant challenge that makes us draw our shadows, face to face, to bring them to light and walk our own path of healing. There is no other option but to meet with oneself. Either we open up to investigate our most hidden aspects and thus set our children free, or these aspects will accompany us and bother for the rest of our lives. When I ask myself and take over the situation, I instantly release my son.
This month Devendra reaches his first year old, the path has not been easy in many ways. Pure transformation and pure magic, continuous cycles of duels and births (Life-Death-Life).
After delivery, which in my case was not the dream and was a challenge to death, I found a baby in my arms, in addition to my emotional pieces scattered around.
Our body speaks, our body has memory and what we went through together left its mark on both of us. But we are warriors, all that time in the hospital I felt that we were immersed in another world, we dived into another level of consciousness, leaving the apparent reality behind and detaching ourselves from the thinking world, forgetting the way … going hand in hand towards a subtle world, where I was physically and emotionally destroyed I felt covered by our love, the sacredness of our bond filled me with strength to move forward. I have always trusted you and continue to do so. In the brightness of your eyes I can see your true desire to live and enjoy.
Next challenge, breastfeeding… it was horrible. I was able to think that I was going to die, but I was not able to accept that I could not breastfeed my baby. That intimate moment I always dreamed. That is how many expectations slip through us, and we believe we don’t have any of them. And so it was, I could not imagine missing those special moments, your warmth and your smell in my chest, not being able to breastfeed my «puppy».
Reaffirmed in my wild nature, I acquired the strength, intuition and inspiration to keep trying once and again, for days, weeks, using the “famous” relactator (breastfeeding machine) … and one more take, another cry of yours, another cry of mine, anger, frustration, … But it is the knowledge of this wild nature that allowed me to keep believing on the certainty of a «Yes, we are going to get it done.» Listening to our internal rhythms, dancing with the moon, drinking our energy and nourishing myself with our love.
Finally the miracle happened, we made possible exclusive breastfeeding. Thanks again to you my love, and to my couple who also bet on us when no one else did.
A year of breastfeeding enjoying our moments «Mama wolf with her cub», nurturing us on another level that is not physical.
Today I look back and God! How fast time passes through. You are already crawling everywhere, non-stop, pure energy. Investigating the world by yourself, with that great curiosity that characterizes you. Your gaze reflects purity and innocence… and can I say about your beautiful smile… impossible not to hold you back and kiss you.
For sure I have made many mistakes during this time and could have done some things better. As always, I should have enjoyed you more and worried less. But I am still on time, motherhood lasts a lifetime and I am in still learning.
Yes, I can say, in lovingly and clearly way that every decision I take comes from my heart, in an honest dedication, to take care of you and accompanying you. Trying to be better every day.
I look at you and I am thrilled, because I see you as a miracle, in your eyes I see Everything, the innocence of the human being. Thank you Devendra for choosing me as your mother and giving me the opportunity to experience this beautiful journey.
The only one who knows, without knowing that she knows … is a mother.
Helena Cuerva
October de 2021